Saturday, February 16, 2013

Anxiety's a b*tch

Hey, everyone. I haven't blogged in forever. Sorry for that. But don't be afraid, I'm back, at least for now.

So whenever I get back into writing its usually because some dramatic life event happens and I feel the compulsion to go and yell it at everyone. Coincidentally,  I do the same thing when I've a few too many beers. Blogging, though, is usually quieter than shouting the state of my lower digestive tract at my friends over a pint. But yes, there's inner turmoil once again and you all get to hear about it. Aren't you lucky?

So, does anyone have anxiety? Because I think I might. It all started about a month ago. I had a panic attack. It was terrible. I was laying in bed and for whatever reason my thoughts drifted to death. I just felt consumed by the inevitability of it all. Cognitively, I get that eventually I'm going to die, but that's always seemed like an abstract intellectual thing. It's like I never really believed it. But that night, it just sank in. And not just that I'm gonna die. Everyone is. Everyone I've ever loved and cared about. I'm going to have to bury my parents and maybe my siblings. If I get married someday, she's going to die. My friends are going to die. And it all just became almost too much.

Ever since then, I've felt this increased sense of anxiety. Its like a dark cloud that just follows me around. Sometimes it fades away to almost nothing, and other times it looms up seems to eclipse the sun. I hate living this way. I'm normally carefree and relaxed. This was robbing me of my joy, and I was (and am) tired of it.

So I've started to seeing a counselor here at the college, and props to those folks. They're pretty great. She told me that I probably did have a panic attack that night, and that yes, death is scary, but it shouldn't rob us of our ability to live in spite of that. I'm learning to pay attention to my inner thoughts and notice the interaction between them and how my body reacts. I'm also learning how to relax and accept anxiety, like a headache.

I believe there are two things going on here. One, is the whole anxiety about death. Most of that I'm noticing is tied up in the thought of losing relationships. That's leading to a bit of a spiritual endeavor. I'll probably (hopefully, but you all know my track record) write about all that and let you come along with me on that one.

The second one is the anxiety itself. I think this is the way I handle stress. This is what I'm working on in my counseling. I'm looking ways to handle anxious thoughts that allow me to not get all wrapped up in them and let them consume me. I've always had an active inner thought life. I hash out problems in my head. For the last few years though, those problems were all crises' of some sort. But now I'm really happy with my life. I'm dating a wonderful girl who's been incredibly supportive through this whole deal. I'm enjoying school. Life is good. I mean really good. But my brain is like, "Hey, you've solved all those problems! Good job! How about we tackle the very fabric of life itself. Doesn't that sound like a good idea? Have fun with that, asshat." That's my working theory anyways.

So that's that. I'll try to keep you all posted how this ordeal goes. If any of you out there have struggled or are struggling with anxiety or anything like this, let me know. Leave a comment or something. So tonight I leave you with this.
Good night everybody. Peace

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