The Beat Stumbles On...

I'm moving back to college in four days. And let me tell you, I hate moving, or parts of it. I like the whole going to another place to live part. That's fun. I like that. It's like travelling only with more permanence and you get to make fun of tourists and out-of-towners instead being one. No, the part I hate is packing. That's why I haven't started yet. I'm not worried though; I still have four days to pull it all together.

Besides the last few weeks have been stressful. This is for the guys out there: if you and your significant other have a miscarriage, get ready. Because you're going to be giving out a lot of hugs, you're gonna do a lot of avoiding the baby department at Wal-Mart, and whole lot of shoving your foot down your throat until you can taste your salty knee pit. The miscarriage will be hard on both of you, but while you lost the prospect of being a father, for her being an expectant mother was everyday walking around reality. There was a new life growing inside her and now it's not. So get ready to feel completely inadequate to help her through this, but if you're with a woman, you probably already do feel that way.

Peace

Full Circle

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you. And other times it throws a whole crap load of curveballs at you and makes you want to hide behind the umpire until Tom Hanks yells at you about how there's no crying in baseball. Lately life has been more like the latter.

Two and a half months ago I became the happiest and most terrified guy in the world when I found out that I was going to be a dad. Everything changed. Plans I had for the future rewrote themselves as I began to wrap them around this new little life that my girlfirend and I were preparing to bring into the world. I looked forward to sonograms, and little baby hands, and taking naps on the couch with this little person curled up on my chest. I felt my world shifting underneath me and I was completely okay with it. 

Two weeks ago those plans changed again. After two sonograms the doctor told us this was not a viable pregnancy and it would end in a miscarriage. We were devestated. The plans we'd made were gone. The future we'd daydreamed about and smiled over, all the strollers, and first steps, and those adorable baby hands, and naps on the couch were gone. The doctor said that in all likelihood the baby never really started to develop. I imagine that's supposed to help us feel better. Sometimes it does.

When tragedy happens my gut reaction is to ask "Why?" "Why did this happen?" "Why me?", and the answers to those questions are usually terrible. On the one hand there's really well meaning folks that tell you that God has a plan and I just have to trust him. If that's the case, and all this is part of some divine plan, then that divine planner is a jerk. I'm not sure someone or something who would plan tragedies should be sung to on Sunday mornings. On the other hand you've got folks who say there's no real reason why these things happen; sometimes they just do and that's how life is. It's still a less than fulfilling answer, but this is the one I'm leaning towards.

Since both answers are less than helpful, the real question I've had to ask myself is "what next?" What happens now? Where do we go from here? And I think the answer to that question is to go back to school and finish my degree. Plans have circled back to what they were orginally. I go back to homework, parttime jobs, ramen, and rugby. I look forward to spending time with my girlfriend; enjoying the time that's just ours now. I'm going to work to secure our future so when we're ready and tired of it being just us, we can do this again. Only hopefully it won't be a surprise the next go around. 

I don't really know what to make of this summer. Life is lived forward, but only understood backwards. Maybe in the future I'll be able to look back on this and be able to ascribe some meaning to it all. Until then, I guess I'm making it up as I go.

Peace

"The Great Illustrated Classics"

Some of my favorite memories from when I was a kid was of my dad reading to me. I remember we had these books, the "Great Illustrated Classics." They were these abridged and illustrated versions of old classic books, like The Swiss Family Robinson, Around the World In Eighty Days, or my favorite was Journey To The Center Of The Earth. I remember every night Dad would read a chapter or so to me. It must have taken a few weeks to go through a book, and when you're only five or six a few weeks is forever long. But I was fine with that, I loved it. 

I think about those times and about how soon I'll have a boy or girl of my own and it's hard not to be overwhelmed by it all. Will he or her have memories of things like that with me? Will they be 25 someday and have to try not to get all choked up thinking about them? I hope so. I hope I'm able to be that sort of father who's able do those sorts of things that may seem really insignificant or trivial at the time, but to my kids are really special moments. 

Big News!!!

So.. I've been under the radar the last few months. Things have been pretty busy in my world; and by busy I mean insane:
To start with my first year at Kansas State University has wrapped up. It was fun. I enjoyed learning and being around people and in an in environment that encouraged my curiosity. I loved it, and some days I even miss it. But by the time May rolled around, I was itching to get out of there. You can only eat ramen noodles covered in stolen Taco Bell hot sauce so many times before it feels like a part of your soul is withering away. Being around smart people is great. Having peanut butter and jelly for your fifth meal in a row, not so great.
And somewhere along the way I met a girl. Our friends introduced us, and I'm happy they did. I fell hard for her, and for some odd reason, she did likewise. I kissed her for the first time in a Dillon's parking lot and never looked back.
And that leads me to the biggest development in my life. I'm going to be a dad! Yes, I'm going to be a father, and no we did not plan this. That seems to be the biggest question that people have had for her and I, "was this planned?" and I have to struggle to keep my snarky comments to my self. I'm a bit of a spontaneous guy. I like adventure and excitement. It's fun. But there's a huge difference between a spur of the moment trip to the lake with the guys and looking at your girlfriend and saying, "Hey baby, you've got a nice body, but you know what it needs? A baby bump." That's not adventurous; that's crazy. I'm naive, young, and dumb, but not that naive, young, and dumb
So yes we're expecting. I'm not going to lie; I'm pretty excited about it. I'm terrified, but still excited. I'll try my best to keep you all posted, but no promises. The next few months are looking to be even busier than the last few.
Peace

Yes, I'm still alive. You can all calm down now.

Well, folks I'm still alive. I'm almost through with my 2nd semester of college and things are going well. I've survived my 1st year more or less unscathed, minus a few rugby injuries. I've picked up a new appreciation for cheap beer and ramen noodles. Its the little things that get you through the day.
Stay posted for more blogs, I left my xbox under the care of my brothers and you would not believe how much extra time I have. My guitar playing has gone from subpar to almost mediocre. Impressive I know.