I'm starting a video blog or vlog or whatever it is that kids are calling it these days.
I'm hoping that this works out better than blogging. Blogging is kind of a pain. In the midst of writing paper and doing homework for school, having to sit down and write something else just seems like work and not fun at all.
So now you get to see my lovely mug! Enjoy!
As always, I encourage you to comment, share, deride, interact with this stuff.
Hey everyone. I was hoping to get something posted for you all Sunday night, but I ended up getting buried under a landslide of readings about cannibalism. Fun stuff. Oh the joys of being an anthropology major.
So since last week things have started looking up. I had my last meeting with my counselor. She said that I had learned to pretty much control/counter the physical aspects of the anxiety. I feel pretty good about that. I've learned that anxious thoughts are just thoughts. They're not a divine message or a some sort of intuitive glimpse into the inner workings of the universe they're just a thought, the byproduct of a really complex organ that's capable of amazing things. But regretfully is also capable of being really self destructive and under certain conditions has the propensity to just lose itself.
Learning that has been beyond helpful. I can be introspective and really dig into my thoughts, but there are times when digging in isn't going to be beneficial. If I'm feeling depressed or stressed; pondering the meaning of life isn't going to end well. I'll start out negative, and it's going to be all downhill from there. And existential meltdowns are no fun at all. I consider all this the "how" of my anxiety. The existential questions are the "what" of it. I still think about those, but I only do it on my terms now. I do it when the "how" is capable of handling them.
So have there been any answers to the "what"? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure it has something to do with love, and people, and maybe God.
I grew up believing that God was an active being in the universe. He got involved in peoples lives. We prayed that he would do something, and maybe he would do it. If he didn't it was because he had a plan and we just couldn't see what that plan was. We could prove God's existence. Maybe we still can. But can we prove his involvement? Can we prove that God is an active being in the world? Can we prove that we haven't just been left alone? Can we prove we're not Godforsaken? I don't know. I read a really good ebook about it last week, that hints at some ideas. If it wasn't almost midnight and I wasn't planning on hitting the gym at 5:30 tomorrow I might kick them around for you. If I remember, I'll do it next time.
In other news, it looks like I'm picking up comedy as a thing I do. I auditioned and got a part in the university's Last Comic Standing competition. I really like writing comedy. I used to do it on this blog, but I think I like stand up more. So if your in the Manhattan area Monday, March 4th come check me out. It'll be a great time.
Hey, everyone. I haven't blogged in forever. Sorry for that. But don't be afraid, I'm back, at least for now.
So whenever I get back into writing its usually because some dramatic life event happens and I feel the compulsion to go and yell it at everyone. Coincidentally, I do the same thing when I've a few too many beers. Blogging, though, is usually quieter than shouting the state of my lower digestive tract at my friends over a pint. But yes, there's inner turmoil once again and you all get to hear about it. Aren't you lucky?
So, does anyone have anxiety? Because I think I might. It all started about a month ago. I had a panic attack. It was terrible. I was laying in bed and for whatever reason my thoughts drifted to death. I just felt consumed by the inevitability of it all. Cognitively, I get that eventually I'm going to die, but that's always seemed like an abstract intellectual thing. It's like I never really believed it. But that night, it just sank in. And not just that I'm gonna die. Everyone is. Everyone I've ever loved and cared about. I'm going to have to bury my parents and maybe my siblings. If I get married someday, she's going to die. My friends are going to die. And it all just became almost too much.
Ever since then, I've felt this increased sense of anxiety. Its like a dark cloud that just follows me around. Sometimes it fades away to almost nothing, and other times it looms up seems to eclipse the sun. I hate living this way. I'm normally carefree and relaxed. This was robbing me of my joy, and I was (and am) tired of it.
So I've started to seeing a counselor here at the college, and props to those folks. They're pretty great. She told me that I probably did have a panic attack that night, and that yes, death is scary, but it shouldn't rob us of our ability to live in spite of that. I'm learning to pay attention to my inner thoughts and notice the interaction between them and how my body reacts. I'm also learning how to relax and accept anxiety, like a headache.
I believe there are two things going on here. One, is the whole anxiety about death. Most of that I'm noticing is tied up in the thought of losing relationships. That's leading to a bit of a spiritual endeavor. I'll probably (hopefully, but you all know my track record) write about all that and let you come along with me on that one.
The second one is the anxiety itself. I think this is the way I handle stress. This is what I'm working on in my counseling. I'm looking ways to handle anxious thoughts that allow me to not get all wrapped up in them and let them consume me. I've always had an active inner thought life. I hash out problems in my head. For the last few years though, those problems were all crises' of some sort. But now I'm really happy with my life. I'm dating a wonderful girl who's been incredibly supportive through this whole deal. I'm enjoying school. Life is good. I mean really good. But my brain is like, "Hey, you've solved all those problems! Good job! How about we tackle the very fabric of life itself. Doesn't that sound like a good idea? Have fun with that, asshat." That's my working theory anyways.
So that's that. I'll try to keep you all posted how this ordeal goes. If any of you out there have struggled or are struggling with anxiety or anything like this, let me know. Leave a comment or something. So tonight I leave you with this.
