A College Update.

Well, how's everyone doing? Sorry, I haven't been posted here in forever. Things have been a little busy lately. Moving, starting school, doing homework, finding jobs, learning new ramen recipes (add butter! hat tip to my little brother for sharing that one(Run with a hammer!)), and that all takes up quite a bit more time than I had anticipated.

So... college. Yeah its college. I'm not going to lie, its not that great. I don't really know what I was expecting, but  I wasn't really prepared for this. The learning part, that's great. I enjoy class and lectures and all that. The homework's not even that bad. Its everything else about college life that sucks. Its the being broke all the time. Its having to time your plasma donating schedule just right so you can pay the car insurance bill. Its eating ramen for three meals in a row. Its being the only sober one at parties cause you have this strange urge to be responsible. Its having to tolerate the sorority girls who insist on talking all though your human development class about someone who gave them the stink eye at some party. Its knowing that I'm going to be stuck here for another three years at least, and when I'm done I'm going to be buried by over $30,000 of debt. These are the things that drive me crazy about this place.

Mmm, desperation

I know, I know, I can hear it now. There are those out there saying that college was the best years of their life. If that's the case, I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong. There's a lot of time between when you leave school and when we put you in the ground. If you graduate at 23 and you die at say 73, that's 50 years of life where all you did was look back on the golden age of your college experience. That's a long time. If college was the best years of your life you might as well start picking out a burial plot after graduation because you have nothing else to look forward too. You've peaked. I plan on having a lot more living to do after I'm done with this place.

I look forward to looking back on this hell hole and glossing over the terrible details and pregnancy scares. 

Yes, I know college is important to my career. Yes, I know that the average college grad makes around $800,000 more over the course of their life than someone with only a high school diploma. I had this harped on me by high school guidance counselors for years. But I have to as ask, so what?
Does money or even a prestigious career really make us feel all that fulfilled? The United States ranks 16th in the world for happiness. The first ranked country is Nigeria. The average salary in Nigeria is 300 dollars a year. The average American makes over 100 times that, but we still can't make it through a commercial break with out someone trying to sell us an anti-depressant. Money isn't making us all that happy. That $800,000 extra that I'll be able to make with my degree (joke's on me, I'm an education major) is probably going to pay for my Zoloft prescription.

Pictured: Happiness
Not pictured: The Jack Daniels chaser

So I wake up almost everyday and I ask myself, "Is college worth it?" And to be honest I don't know. I really don't. If you're looking for a nice and tidy conclusion to this whole rant I'm sorry, but I can't find one. Maybe three years from now I'll look back on all this and think, "Yeah, it was worth it", maybe I won't. Who knows?

Peace

Being Funny

So blogging is a pain in the ass. I've discovered that writing is hard work. And I've also discovered that I'm a bit allergic to work. I break out in a case of sweating and exhaustion almost every time I'm exposed to it. As a result I spend the majority of my work day hiding under my desk. Work allergies are covereed under the American's with Disabilities Act right? So I'm safe? I'll ask HR.
So that's my lame excuse for why I haven't been posting anthing here regularly. Maybe things will liven up when I move? Maybe they won't? Who knows. All I know is I'm going to quit trying so hard. Writing comes much easier when you don't force it. (I could totaly go for a poop joke there but I'm way too mature for that.)

Haha who am I kidding? I love bathroom humor.

I think I've been trying so hard to come up with witty, funny, and hopefully (all poop jokes aside) intelligent stuff to say to impress you all that it has kindof overshadowed the fact that I should just be putting stuff out there.
You see I like making people laugh. I'm happy and having a good time when everyone else is happy and having a good time. This is why I come to work on Fridays with a 30 pack and hand them out to all the cubicles I pass on my way to mine. Except for the accounting department, they look down on PBR. The beer snobs.

Beer...from a can? How quaint.

The problem is trying to be funny and junk all the time is it gets in the way of just writing and putting words on paper (just kidding I don't use paper) (subtle bathroom humor #2). There are days where I don't feel like being funny or smart; where funny and smart people should get bricks thrown at them because I'm not feeling funny and smart so neither should they. I guess the struggle is to find a balance. On the one hand there's the desire to entertain and make people laugh or think, on the other hand the desire for unfettered self-expression, and in the middle somewhere is a happy medium. The trick is finding it.

Streaking: The perfect balance between humiliation for others amusement and self expression

Peace!

Josh's Guide To Going Back To School-Pt. 1

For those of you who pay attention, you've probably noticed I haven't written anything in over a month. I've been busy, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that I just got GTA4 for xbox (well maybe). No, I've been productive. I'm going back to school. Shock and surprise, I know. In light of this, I'd like to share with you all some of the knowledge I've picked up in my absence.
"But you haven't actually started, and are just making this up as you go. What do you know?"
It's the same answer I give my girlfriend, "Trust me. I know what I'm doing. I'm a man."

Knowledge = Chesthair!

So before we get into the how of getting back into the world of binge drinking and acadamia, let's talk about the why. Everyone's reasons for going back to school are going to be different. For some it's an excuse to impress 18 year old girls with the fact that you can legally buy beer. For others its an escape from a dead end job while you still have a shred of your soul. For Adam Sandler going back to school was an way to raise money for acting lessons. Yes, we're looking at you Billy Madison.  



I almost stabbed myself in the eye after seeing this movie just to see if I was still capable of feeling.

I'm in the middle group. After repeated attempts at burning down cubicle (damn that flame retardant carpet), I decided it'd be easier and less of an OSHA violation to get myself an education. My office's saftey coordinator is very excited that I'll finally be someone elses potential fire hazard.

For some odd reason, I think I've got what it takes to be a high school social studies teacher. Yes, that odd reason may be psychosis, but that's alright with me. In all seriousness though, I would really love to be an educator. I had some great teachers growing up. I'd like to thank them. I would also like them to retire (please, Mrs. Yantes I know I was your favorite), beacuse this is KS, I'll need a job in about 3 years, and our state government isn't big on spending money on frivilous things like education and hiring more teachers. In fact they're currently working on turning fire departments into a fee for service organization.



"Lets see. That'll be $2000 for the house call, $500 for the fuel surcharge, oh and $250 for the pet rescue fee. You can't pay? Jimmy, throw the Fido back. They're poor."



So that's the why of my going back to school. Stay tuned for part 2 when I get to the nuts and bolts of getting into school. 

Peace

The real reason I like horror movies and why girlfriends should assume their boyfriends can beat up anything (or at least let him believe he can)

Alight I'll be honest, I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my parents not letting me watch anything scarier then ET as a child.

Yeah, I just peed a little

But then again I was terrified of Bumbles the Abomidable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reigndeer. The scene where he first comes climbing over those cardboard mountains had me running from the room screaming in terror.

It doesn't help that I have a hard time understanding horror movies. The characters don't seem beleivable. I like to imagine that the majority of people are capable of rational thought. The characters in a horror movie are appearantly not in that majority. Just follow some simple rules such as:

• Don't go into creepy abandoned houses
• Don't go into the woods at night
• Be nice to scary ugly gypsy women who look like they might curse you

Follow these rules and you'll probably save yourself from becoming another victim to a crazed unstoppable serial killer.

My girlfriend on the other hand seems to really enjoy them. Now here's where horror movies get great. When that pychopathic hitch-hiking ax murderer comes flying out of the bush with enough force the break the 4th wall, and your girlfriend jumps and scoots closer to you on the couch, its like she actually thinks you could stand a chance against this 7 foot tall roid raging freak. That is awesome.

Here's a little evolutionary background on what might be going on below the surface. *Disclaimer: this not scientific in any way*. In ages past, a mans sex appeal didn't come from his waxed abs, how much axe body spray he bathed in that morning, or his totally awesome tan. Instead his sexiness was based on his ablity to not smell like his own urine when the raging sabre tooth tiger broke into the family cave and he had to face a certain brutal death with only a sharpened stick. Obviously those who couldn't control their bladders where found and eaten by the ravenous preditor. Its hard to hide when you smell like a public bathroom. In this way, only those who could demonstrate continence in the face of extreme pain could pass their genes on. Everyone knows cave girls love bladder control.

See, no sexiness

So fast forward a hundred thousand years back to my girlfriend's couch (or 7 if you're a creationist). All the sabre tooth tigers have died out, but a man's desire to look brave in front of his girlfriend hasn't. So when the machete weilding, demon possessed body builder is flying at his his next hapless victiim, my natural gut reaction is to think, "I could so take this guy." Before my incredibly patient girlfriend (she hates it when people talk in movies) can roll her eyes I've got the entire fight scene choreographed complete with some sweet bullet time shots and a bitchin soundtrack (eat your heart out Zack Snyder).

That's right eat it.

So ladies at this point you're probably thinking men are nuts, but if you want to understand your man, you should know one thing: deep down he wants you to believe that he could take Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees in a 2-on-1 back alley knife fight. That's pretty much all there is to it. You might think it's dumb, and yeah it probably is, but this is his way of trying to show you that he really likes you is totally prepared to wrestle a sabre tooth tiger for you. And if fighting a giant prehistoric monster doesn't say love, I don't know what does.

The last thing he'll see.. because he loves you!

Peace

Notes from a meeting...

Ok so this is significantly less significant than my last post. I can't be serious and moody all the time. That would just be lame.
I was in a meeting today. I decided to take notes. It made me at least look productive. The meeting was over ISO 9000 quality audits or something like that. If you know what that is, I'm terribly sorry. We're in this together.

• I hate meetings!
• I mean seriously, I remember bitching about Algebra 2 in high school saying that I'm never going to use this crap. But ISO 9000?! Come on this stuff is responsible for more accounts of people shoving thumbtacks into their eyes than a 2 hour PBS special where Ben Stein is narrating paint drying. 
• Who ever invented ISO 9000 is a cad. He's also still a virgin.
• I have a packet with all the Power Point slides, Mrs. Lady-Who's-In-Charge-Of-This-Giant-Waste-Of-My-Time. You don't need to read each and every one to me. Well, maybe you should, because you'd be out of your mind if you think I'm going to read all of this on my own. 
• If you're yawning while reading your slides, maybe that should tip you off that this is soul crushingly boring. If your really excited about reading it, then I'm going to question your sanity.
• I have 2 Quality Audits to do this month. Heres how I'm going to do them:

1. Procrastinate until the day they're due.
2. On the due date open the Audit and stare at it until my eyes glaze over; keep staring until for 5 more minutes or until brain atrophy beings. Now I'm ready.
3. Perform the Audit. I'm not sure quite what this entails, but I've been told I've done them before. I'm going to rely on muscle memory for this one.
4. Submit Audit.
5. Thank God I won't have to do it again.
6. Forget steps 1-6 so I'll be ready for next year.

• Crap we're on page 25 already?! How long was I asleep? Hopefully no one has any pictures this time. 

And thats how my meeting was.
Peace

Yep another post on Osama

Last night I thought I had nailed what I was going to write about. Well today I’m not so sure. I’m still wrestling with these ideas so bear with me.

So I’m going write about the death of Osama bin Laden. Yes, I know you’re probably tired of hearing about it, I know I am, I it seems like that’s all the news I’ve heard today, I just feel like I have to throw this out there to the few people who might stumble across this.

It not so much the death of bin Laden that I want to mull over it’s our response, or more importantly my response. What should I be feeling? What should I be doing? Or should I be feeling or doing anything? From those around me I’ve heard expressions of relief that an imminent threat to the country has been removed. I’ve expressions of “thank God justice has finally been served.” I’ve heard more than a few “AMERICA (F**K YEAH)” ’s in there. But the truth is I feel saddened.

I’ll be honest I’m not that good at being a Christian. I’m not very patient. I’m quick to look down on people I don’t know. I have a short fuse and a foul mouth. I’m not very good at being graceful to those around me. But that being said, in an effort to try to follow Jesus, I have to wonder what he would do, how he would respond to this situation. I understand that claiming to know what a deity would do, or how deity would act is dangerous. Claiming divine backing has been used since the beginning of history to justify terrible acts. So I’ll make no claims that I have Jesus in my back pocket and have figured this out. But from what I understand, I think Jesus would go to Osama’s funeral to comfort the mourners. I believe he would mourn with them. Just as I believe he mourns with the wife and family of the soldier who was killed by an IED. Just as I believe he mourns with those who lose loved ones in a drone strike and suicide bomber attack.

I believe in Jesus we have a God who mourns. A God who lets the world break him. A God who experiences what we go through. A God who cries with us “My God, My God where are you?” A God who undergoes god forsakenness.

Osama bin Laden commited acts so evil that the have shaken the world. I won’t defend him. All I can do I try to follow what I believe Jesus would do, and mourn his death. And mourn every time we believe that somehow we can kill enough bad guys that the killing will stop. So I’d like to leave you all with this:

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. So when Jesus says "Love your enemies," he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition. ... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Peace

Here's to sticking with it..

Well, I'm starting a blog. I've done this before. I stuck with it for a few months and then stopped. Hopefully I'll break that record and go for 2 months. One can hope.
Things you can expect me to write about:

• Daily rants and raves. Hopefully there won't be to many of these; I don't like bitching. Oh and as an aside there will probably be some profanity. If you're not the type who appreciates profanity then I'm sorry. 
• Thoughts on current events
• Musings on spirituality and philosophy
• Dating advice (just kidding) (maybe)

So that's about it. Hope you all enjoy it. Peace