Full Circle

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you. And other times it throws a whole crap load of curveballs at you and makes you want to hide behind the umpire until Tom Hanks yells at you about how there's no crying in baseball. Lately life has been more like the latter.

Two and a half months ago I became the happiest and most terrified guy in the world when I found out that I was going to be a dad. Everything changed. Plans I had for the future rewrote themselves as I began to wrap them around this new little life that my girlfirend and I were preparing to bring into the world. I looked forward to sonograms, and little baby hands, and taking naps on the couch with this little person curled up on my chest. I felt my world shifting underneath me and I was completely okay with it. 

Two weeks ago those plans changed again. After two sonograms the doctor told us this was not a viable pregnancy and it would end in a miscarriage. We were devestated. The plans we'd made were gone. The future we'd daydreamed about and smiled over, all the strollers, and first steps, and those adorable baby hands, and naps on the couch were gone. The doctor said that in all likelihood the baby never really started to develop. I imagine that's supposed to help us feel better. Sometimes it does.

When tragedy happens my gut reaction is to ask "Why?" "Why did this happen?" "Why me?", and the answers to those questions are usually terrible. On the one hand there's really well meaning folks that tell you that God has a plan and I just have to trust him. If that's the case, and all this is part of some divine plan, then that divine planner is a jerk. I'm not sure someone or something who would plan tragedies should be sung to on Sunday mornings. On the other hand you've got folks who say there's no real reason why these things happen; sometimes they just do and that's how life is. It's still a less than fulfilling answer, but this is the one I'm leaning towards.

Since both answers are less than helpful, the real question I've had to ask myself is "what next?" What happens now? Where do we go from here? And I think the answer to that question is to go back to school and finish my degree. Plans have circled back to what they were orginally. I go back to homework, parttime jobs, ramen, and rugby. I look forward to spending time with my girlfriend; enjoying the time that's just ours now. I'm going to work to secure our future so when we're ready and tired of it being just us, we can do this again. Only hopefully it won't be a surprise the next go around. 

I don't really know what to make of this summer. Life is lived forward, but only understood backwards. Maybe in the future I'll be able to look back on this and be able to ascribe some meaning to it all. Until then, I guess I'm making it up as I go.

Peace

A College Update.

Well, how's everyone doing? Sorry, I haven't been posted here in forever. Things have been a little busy lately. Moving, starting school, doing homework, finding jobs, learning new ramen recipes (add butter! hat tip to my little brother for sharing that one(Run with a hammer!)), and that all takes up quite a bit more time than I had anticipated.

So... college. Yeah its college. I'm not going to lie, its not that great. I don't really know what I was expecting, but  I wasn't really prepared for this. The learning part, that's great. I enjoy class and lectures and all that. The homework's not even that bad. Its everything else about college life that sucks. Its the being broke all the time. Its having to time your plasma donating schedule just right so you can pay the car insurance bill. Its eating ramen for three meals in a row. Its being the only sober one at parties cause you have this strange urge to be responsible. Its having to tolerate the sorority girls who insist on talking all though your human development class about someone who gave them the stink eye at some party. Its knowing that I'm going to be stuck here for another three years at least, and when I'm done I'm going to be buried by over $30,000 of debt. These are the things that drive me crazy about this place.

Mmm, desperation

I know, I know, I can hear it now. There are those out there saying that college was the best years of their life. If that's the case, I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong. There's a lot of time between when you leave school and when we put you in the ground. If you graduate at 23 and you die at say 73, that's 50 years of life where all you did was look back on the golden age of your college experience. That's a long time. If college was the best years of your life you might as well start picking out a burial plot after graduation because you have nothing else to look forward too. You've peaked. I plan on having a lot more living to do after I'm done with this place.

I look forward to looking back on this hell hole and glossing over the terrible details and pregnancy scares. 

Yes, I know college is important to my career. Yes, I know that the average college grad makes around $800,000 more over the course of their life than someone with only a high school diploma. I had this harped on me by high school guidance counselors for years. But I have to as ask, so what?
Does money or even a prestigious career really make us feel all that fulfilled? The United States ranks 16th in the world for happiness. The first ranked country is Nigeria. The average salary in Nigeria is 300 dollars a year. The average American makes over 100 times that, but we still can't make it through a commercial break with out someone trying to sell us an anti-depressant. Money isn't making us all that happy. That $800,000 extra that I'll be able to make with my degree (joke's on me, I'm an education major) is probably going to pay for my Zoloft prescription.

Pictured: Happiness
Not pictured: The Jack Daniels chaser

So I wake up almost everyday and I ask myself, "Is college worth it?" And to be honest I don't know. I really don't. If you're looking for a nice and tidy conclusion to this whole rant I'm sorry, but I can't find one. Maybe three years from now I'll look back on all this and think, "Yeah, it was worth it", maybe I won't. Who knows?

Peace

Josh's Guide To Going Back To School-Pt. 1

For those of you who pay attention, you've probably noticed I haven't written anything in over a month. I've been busy, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that I just got GTA4 for xbox (well maybe). No, I've been productive. I'm going back to school. Shock and surprise, I know. In light of this, I'd like to share with you all some of the knowledge I've picked up in my absence.
"But you haven't actually started, and are just making this up as you go. What do you know?"
It's the same answer I give my girlfriend, "Trust me. I know what I'm doing. I'm a man."

Knowledge = Chesthair!

So before we get into the how of getting back into the world of binge drinking and acadamia, let's talk about the why. Everyone's reasons for going back to school are going to be different. For some it's an excuse to impress 18 year old girls with the fact that you can legally buy beer. For others its an escape from a dead end job while you still have a shred of your soul. For Adam Sandler going back to school was an way to raise money for acting lessons. Yes, we're looking at you Billy Madison.  



I almost stabbed myself in the eye after seeing this movie just to see if I was still capable of feeling.

I'm in the middle group. After repeated attempts at burning down cubicle (damn that flame retardant carpet), I decided it'd be easier and less of an OSHA violation to get myself an education. My office's saftey coordinator is very excited that I'll finally be someone elses potential fire hazard.

For some odd reason, I think I've got what it takes to be a high school social studies teacher. Yes, that odd reason may be psychosis, but that's alright with me. In all seriousness though, I would really love to be an educator. I had some great teachers growing up. I'd like to thank them. I would also like them to retire (please, Mrs. Yantes I know I was your favorite), beacuse this is KS, I'll need a job in about 3 years, and our state government isn't big on spending money on frivilous things like education and hiring more teachers. In fact they're currently working on turning fire departments into a fee for service organization.



"Lets see. That'll be $2000 for the house call, $500 for the fuel surcharge, oh and $250 for the pet rescue fee. You can't pay? Jimmy, throw the Fido back. They're poor."



So that's the why of my going back to school. Stay tuned for part 2 when I get to the nuts and bolts of getting into school. 

Peace