Things are looking up

Hey everyone. I was hoping to get something posted for you all Sunday night, but I ended up getting buried under a landslide of readings about cannibalism. Fun stuff. Oh the joys of being an anthropology major.

So since last week things have started looking up. I had my last meeting with my counselor. She said that I had learned to pretty much control/counter the physical aspects of the anxiety. I feel pretty good about that. I've learned that anxious thoughts are just thoughts. They're not a divine message or a some sort of intuitive glimpse into the inner workings of the universe they're just a thought, the byproduct of a really complex organ that's capable of amazing things. But regretfully is also capable of being really self destructive and under certain conditions has the propensity to just lose itself.

Learning that has been beyond helpful. I can be introspective and really dig into my thoughts, but there are times when digging in isn't going to be beneficial. If I'm feeling depressed or stressed; pondering the meaning of life isn't going to end well. I'll start out negative, and it's going to be all downhill from there. And existential meltdowns are no fun at all. I consider all this the "how" of my anxiety. The existential questions are the "what" of it. I still think about those, but I only do it on my terms now. I do it when the "how" is capable of handling them.

So have there been any answers to the "what"? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure it has something to do with love, and people, and maybe God.

I grew up believing that God was an active being in the universe. He got involved in peoples lives. We prayed that he would do something, and maybe he would do it. If he didn't it was because he had a plan and we just couldn't see what that plan was. We could prove God's existence. Maybe we still can. But can we prove his involvement? Can we prove that God is an active being in the world? Can we prove that we haven't just been left alone? Can we prove we're not Godforsaken? I don't know. I read a really good ebook about it last week, that hints at some ideas. If it wasn't almost midnight and I wasn't planning on hitting the gym at 5:30 tomorrow I might kick them around for you. If  I remember, I'll do it next time.

In other news, it looks like I'm picking up comedy as a thing I do. I auditioned and got a part in the university's Last Comic Standing competition. I really like writing comedy. I used to do it on this blog, but I think I like stand up more. So if your in the Manhattan area Monday, March 4th come check me out. It'll be a great time.

Peace

Full Circle

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you. And other times it throws a whole crap load of curveballs at you and makes you want to hide behind the umpire until Tom Hanks yells at you about how there's no crying in baseball. Lately life has been more like the latter.

Two and a half months ago I became the happiest and most terrified guy in the world when I found out that I was going to be a dad. Everything changed. Plans I had for the future rewrote themselves as I began to wrap them around this new little life that my girlfirend and I were preparing to bring into the world. I looked forward to sonograms, and little baby hands, and taking naps on the couch with this little person curled up on my chest. I felt my world shifting underneath me and I was completely okay with it. 

Two weeks ago those plans changed again. After two sonograms the doctor told us this was not a viable pregnancy and it would end in a miscarriage. We were devestated. The plans we'd made were gone. The future we'd daydreamed about and smiled over, all the strollers, and first steps, and those adorable baby hands, and naps on the couch were gone. The doctor said that in all likelihood the baby never really started to develop. I imagine that's supposed to help us feel better. Sometimes it does.

When tragedy happens my gut reaction is to ask "Why?" "Why did this happen?" "Why me?", and the answers to those questions are usually terrible. On the one hand there's really well meaning folks that tell you that God has a plan and I just have to trust him. If that's the case, and all this is part of some divine plan, then that divine planner is a jerk. I'm not sure someone or something who would plan tragedies should be sung to on Sunday mornings. On the other hand you've got folks who say there's no real reason why these things happen; sometimes they just do and that's how life is. It's still a less than fulfilling answer, but this is the one I'm leaning towards.

Since both answers are less than helpful, the real question I've had to ask myself is "what next?" What happens now? Where do we go from here? And I think the answer to that question is to go back to school and finish my degree. Plans have circled back to what they were orginally. I go back to homework, parttime jobs, ramen, and rugby. I look forward to spending time with my girlfriend; enjoying the time that's just ours now. I'm going to work to secure our future so when we're ready and tired of it being just us, we can do this again. Only hopefully it won't be a surprise the next go around. 

I don't really know what to make of this summer. Life is lived forward, but only understood backwards. Maybe in the future I'll be able to look back on this and be able to ascribe some meaning to it all. Until then, I guess I'm making it up as I go.

Peace