The real reason I like horror movies and why girlfriends should assume their boyfriends can beat up anything (or at least let him believe he can)

Alight I'll be honest, I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my parents not letting me watch anything scarier then ET as a child.

Yeah, I just peed a little

But then again I was terrified of Bumbles the Abomidable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reigndeer. The scene where he first comes climbing over those cardboard mountains had me running from the room screaming in terror.

It doesn't help that I have a hard time understanding horror movies. The characters don't seem beleivable. I like to imagine that the majority of people are capable of rational thought. The characters in a horror movie are appearantly not in that majority. Just follow some simple rules such as:

• Don't go into creepy abandoned houses
• Don't go into the woods at night
• Be nice to scary ugly gypsy women who look like they might curse you

Follow these rules and you'll probably save yourself from becoming another victim to a crazed unstoppable serial killer.

My girlfriend on the other hand seems to really enjoy them. Now here's where horror movies get great. When that pychopathic hitch-hiking ax murderer comes flying out of the bush with enough force the break the 4th wall, and your girlfriend jumps and scoots closer to you on the couch, its like she actually thinks you could stand a chance against this 7 foot tall roid raging freak. That is awesome.

Here's a little evolutionary background on what might be going on below the surface. *Disclaimer: this not scientific in any way*. In ages past, a mans sex appeal didn't come from his waxed abs, how much axe body spray he bathed in that morning, or his totally awesome tan. Instead his sexiness was based on his ablity to not smell like his own urine when the raging sabre tooth tiger broke into the family cave and he had to face a certain brutal death with only a sharpened stick. Obviously those who couldn't control their bladders where found and eaten by the ravenous preditor. Its hard to hide when you smell like a public bathroom. In this way, only those who could demonstrate continence in the face of extreme pain could pass their genes on. Everyone knows cave girls love bladder control.

See, no sexiness

So fast forward a hundred thousand years back to my girlfriend's couch (or 7 if you're a creationist). All the sabre tooth tigers have died out, but a man's desire to look brave in front of his girlfriend hasn't. So when the machete weilding, demon possessed body builder is flying at his his next hapless victiim, my natural gut reaction is to think, "I could so take this guy." Before my incredibly patient girlfriend (she hates it when people talk in movies) can roll her eyes I've got the entire fight scene choreographed complete with some sweet bullet time shots and a bitchin soundtrack (eat your heart out Zack Snyder).

That's right eat it.

So ladies at this point you're probably thinking men are nuts, but if you want to understand your man, you should know one thing: deep down he wants you to believe that he could take Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees in a 2-on-1 back alley knife fight. That's pretty much all there is to it. You might think it's dumb, and yeah it probably is, but this is his way of trying to show you that he really likes you is totally prepared to wrestle a sabre tooth tiger for you. And if fighting a giant prehistoric monster doesn't say love, I don't know what does.

The last thing he'll see.. because he loves you!

Peace