The real reason I like horror movies and why girlfriends should assume their boyfriends can beat up anything (or at least let him believe he can)

Alight I'll be honest, I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my parents not letting me watch anything scarier then ET as a child.

Yeah, I just peed a little

But then again I was terrified of Bumbles the Abomidable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reigndeer. The scene where he first comes climbing over those cardboard mountains had me running from the room screaming in terror.

It doesn't help that I have a hard time understanding horror movies. The characters don't seem beleivable. I like to imagine that the majority of people are capable of rational thought. The characters in a horror movie are appearantly not in that majority. Just follow some simple rules such as:

• Don't go into creepy abandoned houses
• Don't go into the woods at night
• Be nice to scary ugly gypsy women who look like they might curse you

Follow these rules and you'll probably save yourself from becoming another victim to a crazed unstoppable serial killer.

My girlfriend on the other hand seems to really enjoy them. Now here's where horror movies get great. When that pychopathic hitch-hiking ax murderer comes flying out of the bush with enough force the break the 4th wall, and your girlfriend jumps and scoots closer to you on the couch, its like she actually thinks you could stand a chance against this 7 foot tall roid raging freak. That is awesome.

Here's a little evolutionary background on what might be going on below the surface. *Disclaimer: this not scientific in any way*. In ages past, a mans sex appeal didn't come from his waxed abs, how much axe body spray he bathed in that morning, or his totally awesome tan. Instead his sexiness was based on his ablity to not smell like his own urine when the raging sabre tooth tiger broke into the family cave and he had to face a certain brutal death with only a sharpened stick. Obviously those who couldn't control their bladders where found and eaten by the ravenous preditor. Its hard to hide when you smell like a public bathroom. In this way, only those who could demonstrate continence in the face of extreme pain could pass their genes on. Everyone knows cave girls love bladder control.

See, no sexiness

So fast forward a hundred thousand years back to my girlfriend's couch (or 7 if you're a creationist). All the sabre tooth tigers have died out, but a man's desire to look brave in front of his girlfriend hasn't. So when the machete weilding, demon possessed body builder is flying at his his next hapless victiim, my natural gut reaction is to think, "I could so take this guy." Before my incredibly patient girlfriend (she hates it when people talk in movies) can roll her eyes I've got the entire fight scene choreographed complete with some sweet bullet time shots and a bitchin soundtrack (eat your heart out Zack Snyder).

That's right eat it.

So ladies at this point you're probably thinking men are nuts, but if you want to understand your man, you should know one thing: deep down he wants you to believe that he could take Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees in a 2-on-1 back alley knife fight. That's pretty much all there is to it. You might think it's dumb, and yeah it probably is, but this is his way of trying to show you that he really likes you is totally prepared to wrestle a sabre tooth tiger for you. And if fighting a giant prehistoric monster doesn't say love, I don't know what does.

The last thing he'll see.. because he loves you!

Peace

Notes from a meeting...

Ok so this is significantly less significant than my last post. I can't be serious and moody all the time. That would just be lame.
I was in a meeting today. I decided to take notes. It made me at least look productive. The meeting was over ISO 9000 quality audits or something like that. If you know what that is, I'm terribly sorry. We're in this together.

• I hate meetings!
• I mean seriously, I remember bitching about Algebra 2 in high school saying that I'm never going to use this crap. But ISO 9000?! Come on this stuff is responsible for more accounts of people shoving thumbtacks into their eyes than a 2 hour PBS special where Ben Stein is narrating paint drying. 
• Who ever invented ISO 9000 is a cad. He's also still a virgin.
• I have a packet with all the Power Point slides, Mrs. Lady-Who's-In-Charge-Of-This-Giant-Waste-Of-My-Time. You don't need to read each and every one to me. Well, maybe you should, because you'd be out of your mind if you think I'm going to read all of this on my own. 
• If you're yawning while reading your slides, maybe that should tip you off that this is soul crushingly boring. If your really excited about reading it, then I'm going to question your sanity.
• I have 2 Quality Audits to do this month. Heres how I'm going to do them:

1. Procrastinate until the day they're due.
2. On the due date open the Audit and stare at it until my eyes glaze over; keep staring until for 5 more minutes or until brain atrophy beings. Now I'm ready.
3. Perform the Audit. I'm not sure quite what this entails, but I've been told I've done them before. I'm going to rely on muscle memory for this one.
4. Submit Audit.
5. Thank God I won't have to do it again.
6. Forget steps 1-6 so I'll be ready for next year.

• Crap we're on page 25 already?! How long was I asleep? Hopefully no one has any pictures this time. 

And thats how my meeting was.
Peace

Yep another post on Osama

Last night I thought I had nailed what I was going to write about. Well today I’m not so sure. I’m still wrestling with these ideas so bear with me.

So I’m going write about the death of Osama bin Laden. Yes, I know you’re probably tired of hearing about it, I know I am, I it seems like that’s all the news I’ve heard today, I just feel like I have to throw this out there to the few people who might stumble across this.

It not so much the death of bin Laden that I want to mull over it’s our response, or more importantly my response. What should I be feeling? What should I be doing? Or should I be feeling or doing anything? From those around me I’ve heard expressions of relief that an imminent threat to the country has been removed. I’ve expressions of “thank God justice has finally been served.” I’ve heard more than a few “AMERICA (F**K YEAH)” ’s in there. But the truth is I feel saddened.

I’ll be honest I’m not that good at being a Christian. I’m not very patient. I’m quick to look down on people I don’t know. I have a short fuse and a foul mouth. I’m not very good at being graceful to those around me. But that being said, in an effort to try to follow Jesus, I have to wonder what he would do, how he would respond to this situation. I understand that claiming to know what a deity would do, or how deity would act is dangerous. Claiming divine backing has been used since the beginning of history to justify terrible acts. So I’ll make no claims that I have Jesus in my back pocket and have figured this out. But from what I understand, I think Jesus would go to Osama’s funeral to comfort the mourners. I believe he would mourn with them. Just as I believe he mourns with the wife and family of the soldier who was killed by an IED. Just as I believe he mourns with those who lose loved ones in a drone strike and suicide bomber attack.

I believe in Jesus we have a God who mourns. A God who lets the world break him. A God who experiences what we go through. A God who cries with us “My God, My God where are you?” A God who undergoes god forsakenness.

Osama bin Laden commited acts so evil that the have shaken the world. I won’t defend him. All I can do I try to follow what I believe Jesus would do, and mourn his death. And mourn every time we believe that somehow we can kill enough bad guys that the killing will stop. So I’d like to leave you all with this:

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. So when Jesus says "Love your enemies," he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition. ... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Peace